Worthiness: deserving effort, attention, or respect
Holy: morally and spiritually excellent
Of course there are nuances to both definitions but for this purpose, I feel that both of these definitions express what I’m after.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood.
And of all the experiences that have informed my life and how I navigate the world.
It feels like I have been trying to negotiate and define my identity since I was little.
I was a happy kid, despite my often turbulent home where the adults in my life drank and raged at night.
But the daytime was for me. I climbed trees and pretended I was a runaway living in the woods, foraging for food. I’d nestle myself on a branch and split open a tender twig and eat the pulp inside.
It tasted like popcorn.
I kept myself entertained and created imaginary scenes in my head of exploring new worlds.
When I got a little older, I enticed my friends to play along with me in imaginary places. Backyards turned into faerylands and even better- crossing into forbidden neighbor’s yards became an exciting adventure.
We snuck behind garages, climbed fences and jumped across creeks just to see how far we could travel without getting discovered.
The act of leaping into new territory felt holy to me because I felt unstoppable. My desire to seek out more came very natural to me and propelled me forward because nothing was in my way.
I knew my worth because nothing challenged it.
Growing into adulthood almost squashed it. For good.
Learning to feel and express my emotions- especially anger, helped me reclaim my worth slowly at first and then more firmly, year after year.
My worth will continue to be challenged of course, online and offline but I’m grateful for the challenge of the contrast.
When I get lost of feel disconnected from the holiness of me, I remember the little girl me, climbing branch after branch until I found the very best spot, to daydream.